I turned 40 on August 9, and in the days leading up to the date, I started thinking about all the things I learned throughout my life so far. I then had the idea to write a blog about it and thought it’d be fun to come up with exactly 40 of those lessons in honor of my Ruby Jubilee. My hope is that someone may read this and get the advice they need and/or find they can relate to one or more of the things I’ve learned. Life brings a plethora of opportunities to learn something new. Here’s a list of some of the most important lessons I’ve kept with me every day.
#1: True friends will be there for you during hard times, no matter the convenience. Over the past couple of years, I lost my mom and beloved pet, and was then laid off from my longtime job shortly after moving across the country. I was feeling at my lowest and wasn’t exactly pleasant to be around. Although I normally do well on my own, at one point, I needed human contact and reached out to people for help. This is something I am very uncomfortable doing. The ones that showed up were not always the ones I thought would. Let’s just say, distance and/or time aren’t factors when it comes to being there for the ones you love and care about in their darkest moments.
#2: Everyone finds “flaws” in themselves, no matter how “perfect” they may appear. We are our own worst critics. How many times have we heard that from somewhere? Well, it’s pretty much true. Unless you are 100% confident in yourself 100% of the time, we are constantly putting ourselves under a magnifying glass, literally and metaphorically. Whether it’s a physical trait and/or something we said or did, we’re always thinking we could look or do better. While constructive criticism is healthy (we always want to improve throughout our life’s learning process), attacking yourself for every little thing you’re not satisfied with is not. Use those “flaws” to know what you want and don’t want, and make a difference. Don’t go against yourself. Be your biggest champion.
#3: You can’t make people like you. If someone chooses not to like you, it won’t change, no matter how hard you try. This includes both family and friends. I learned this one the hard way. If you feel you did someone wrong, try and make it right as best you can, but don’t waste time on someone who already has a narrative of you that only benefits them and puts them in a more positive light. Especially if in your heart you know their narrative is not true. There are people who don’t like you for personal reasons that they may or may not share, and then there are people who don’t want to like you, so they don’t. Know the difference.
#4: Look within when it comes to some of your darkest memories. I once thought all the “bad” memories I had of moments with others were “bad” because of something they did. Although that can ring true for some situations, it’s not always the case. Sometimes my own issues, including self-doubt, shame, and fear, were part of the problem. Recognizing patterns is the scariest and coolest thing you can do in your life. It sheds light on your biggest troubles and makes way for change.
#5. Attachment theory is everything. My love of self-help books is what led me to learn all about attachment theory: the idea that we all fit into one or more of the researched attachment theory categories based on our childhood experiences. These categories lead to patterns when it comes to our relationships in life. I highly recommend the books Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and Securely Attached by Eli Hardwood. They both helped me learn all about my attachment patterns (anxious-avoidant, much?!) and how to change them into a healthier, more secure way of life.
#6: You can’t plan everything. Oh boy, this one was hard for me to accept. In fact, I’m still accepting it. Planning brings ease and puts my anxieties to rest, but unfortunately, life is unpredictable and things will come up that you have no control over. Let it be and adjust accordingly.
#7: Don’t let guilt or “what ifs” ruin your peace of mind. This has been particularly hard for me. When difficult moments lead to an unwanted outcome, I tend to think back at what I could have done differently to make the outcome a more pleasant one. The truth is that hindsight will always leave an option for a better outcome, but you did what you could with what you knew and what you had at the time. Maybe things would have been different, but maybe not. Sometimes there’s no way to know, and that’s okay. It unfolded as it did, and I have chosen to believe what happened was supposed to happen. Look for the meaning. Life isn’t about always winning and/or keeping people and things forever. It’s about being filled with gratitude for the opportunities, navigating the lessons, and using it all to grow.
#8: The right people find you at the right time. No matter where I was living or what I was going through in life, certain people, who I didn’t know I needed at the time, ended up being some of the most important people on my journey. They got me through various challenging situations, and most of the time, I found myself in their presence by pure chance. Learn to trust that you’re right where you’re supposed to be and around the people meant for that part of your life.
#9: Friends can be family. Yes, family shares your DNA, but that doesn’t always mean they’ll give you what you need. It also doesn’t mean they know you best. Sometimes the ones who choose to be in your life are the ones who know more about you, and they become the ones you can count on most. It’s about a willingness, not an obligation.
#10: Don’t be afraid to ask. Everyone needs help at some point in their life, whether it be financially, emotionally, or physically. I’m still learning it’s okay to be vulnerable and look to others for things I need when there’s no other way. It doesn’t mean I’m a burden.
#11: What others do or feel is about them, not you. ”It’s not you, it’s me.” We’ve all heard the line and often make fun of it, but it’s actually true. Maybe you don’t have what a person is looking for. Maybe they are learning how to navigate their own issues and feelings. Either way, if a person leaves, it is about them. They have decided you are not what they want in their life at that moment, possibly forever. Move on, find what you can learn from the situation, only change the things you feel will help you grow into who you want to be, and work on finding the people who are better suited for you. This goes for both romantic relationships and friendships.
#12: Silence does not always equal abandonment. Sometimes people need time to think and not talk when there’s conflict. This may mean little or no communication for hours or days. Everyone processes situations in their own way. If it doesn’t look like your way, it doesn’t always mean it’s the end of a relationship. Trust the process and know it will be okay regardless of the outcome. Also, if a person doesn’t text or call back right away, don’t assume they are “ghosting” you. Despite the instant expectations of today’s technology, busy times still exist.
#13: My difference is my power. Going through selective mutism as a child made me very different from my peers. I used to be ashamed of my social anxiety. Now I use my experiences to help other kids and parents dealing with the disorder. 
#14: I deserve to be loved. Why is such a simple statement so hard to believe? Everyone deserves love. I am just as important as everyone else, and I will stop being uncomfortable when someone loves me. I still remind myself of this every day. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
#15: Don’t settle for less than you want. Settling will lead to regret. There are no ways around it. Not everyone is vocal about their regrets, but I assure you they are there. If it’s not something you truly want, pass on it. Leaving that room open will allow the right things to come in. It’s also okay to change your mind later. What was right for you then may not be right for you now, and vice versa.
#16: Solitude is an opportunity for growth and learning. Being alone with no distractions allows you to listen to yourself in a way you couldn’t otherwise. Finding joy in singing and dancing alone in your living room and/or talking sense into yourself when there’s no one there to listen is irreplaceable and sometimes just what you need to get out of a funk. Become your own movie-watching partner and mentor, even if it’s only for a few minutes.
#17: Know when it’s projection. Have you ever stopped to think about some of the things people accuse you of doing and/or being? Have you ever thought, “Wait…that’s what they do! That’s what they are!”? Welcome to the land of projection. Let’s face it, sometimes we need to be told when we’re being a little crazy, but if you find yourself in the middle of a situation in which a person is accusing you of things you know aren’t true, relax. They’re just confusing you with a mirror. 😉
#18: Meditation is one of the best free self-healing tools. There’s nothing quite like listening to your thoughts in a relaxing atmosphere. With a complex brain constantly talking to us, it can be hard to be present. Meditation has allowed me to look within and take in the moment. It’s a way to bring calmness to life. A way to love yourself and give yourself the full attention you deserve. Take advantage of candles, baths, calm music, or whatever else your heart desires during meditation time.
#19: Apologizing doesn’t make you weak. Sometimes the most insecure people are the ones who have a hard time apologizing. Admitting you did something you wish you didn’t can bring fears of failure and not being “perfect” to the forefront. We can feel it brings shame and makes our already weak foundation even weaker. Everyone makes mistakes, and admitting that is a strength. It shows you recognize how you can improve, and it doesn’t take away your best qualities. “I’m sorry” is something we should say multiple times in our lives. Not with contempt, but with compassion and a desire to understand.
#20: Forgive your parents for what they lacked and pass down their best traits. As we get older, we learn that our parents didn’t have all the answers. It can be a gut punch to realize that those we looked up to and held on a pedestal were just imperfect humans trying to navigate their own lives. They did what they could with what they knew at the time. Forgive them for being misguided. Forgive their wrong decisions, their shouts, and the times they may have leaned on us more than they should have. If we can recognize the moments we wish were different, we can use them to learn and make better decisions in our own lives as adults. We, too, will make decisions our kids will later deem unacceptable. The key is to get better with each generation.
#21: Coloring is for adults too. I’ve rediscovered my love of coloring as an adult. Yes, there are adult coloring books, and they’re fantastic. I remember always drawing and coloring in therapy sessions as a kid. Now I know why therapists did this. It’s a great way to calm your mind and results in having something awesome to hang up later. I have guinea pig-themed ones, a city-themed one, and a Gilmore Girls-themed one. Crayons and markers can both be used.
#22: Don’t be afraid to walk away. If something doesn’t feel right, you don’t have to stay. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a meeting, a party, a class, etc., you have control over your own life, and in my experience, your intuition is never wrong. Always be cautious in a dangerous situation, of course, but don’t be distracted by the glory, the promises, and/or the explanations if your gut is telling you otherwise. Walk away if you feel that’s the best course of action.
#23: Embrace salt baths. Soaking in salt baths is another great way I’ve learned to relax. They’re wonderful for sore muscles and a tired body. They also help with mental stress. Carve out time in your week to embrace a salt bath. Use unscented or scented epsom salt and essential oils. My favorite scents are lavender, rose petal, and eucalyptus.
#24: Your body’s changes are all part of the process. Turning 40 has brought about changes to my body I never thought I’d see. Long gone are the days in my teens and 20s when I thought, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen to me.” Let’s face it, some things you can help and some you can’t. It’s all part of getting older. An achy back, gray hair, a slower metabolism, shifting teeth, skin tags, spots, wrinkles… It ain’t always pretty, but it’s real. It can be scary, but it’s completely normal. You can stress yourself out by trying to cover up the noticeable changes with makeup, injections, or surgery, but at the end of the day, no one can avoid the natural process of aging. Embrace each change as another phase of life. A life you’re lucky enough to experience.
#25: Spirituality is a personal thing. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned spirituality brings me comfort in a way nothing else can. Whether a person follows a certain religion or believes in a universal energy that leads the way, everyone has their own path when it comes to this part of life. Lean into what works best with your beliefs and embrace what’s bigger than all of us.
#26: Sometimes you’re the one who has the answers. There have been many times in my life where I looked to others for reassurance of what I already knew. I didn’t trust my moral compass enough and would therefore seek out someone to give me the answers. Sure, there are times when we let our issues take the wheel and overanalyze a situation until we find something wrong, but those aren’t the times I’m talking about. I’m talking about the times when everything inside of us is screaming the answer but we’re refusing to listen. Maybe it’s not the answer you want. Maybe it brings out your insecurities and fear of failure. Maybe it seems too good to be true. Whatever the reason, don’t doubt yourself. Believe your inner truth.
#27: Overanalyzing only brings more anxiety, not more answers. I tend to be an over-analyzer, and it’s not fun. Anxiety leads me to believe that if I pick apart every detail of a situation I’m not sure of, I can figure things out. Most of the time, that’s not the case, and I’m left feeling more confused and anxious than I was when I first started overanalyzing. Not everything in life is a puzzle.
#28: Know who deserves second chances. People will come and go throughout your life. A person may let you down, leave, and then later want to come back into your life. You may just get “ghosted” for no apparent reason and then hear from them years later. There have been a few instances in which I had to ask myself if letting a person back in was a good idea or not. Sometimes I did and we stayed close, while other times I did and it led to the same toxic path as before. Really think about a person’s history and their intentions before giving them second or third chances at being a part of your life. It’s okay to turn them away. It’s also okay to accept someone and lower your expectations once you learn what they’re about and what they can and can’t bring to your life.
#29: Childhood icons never fade. The older I get, the more I reminisce about the people who inspired me as a child. I’ve learned there are reasons we look up to certain people when we’re becoming the person we’re going to be. We either recognize ourselves in them or recognize something in them that we want for ourselves. My top inspirations as a child are still at the top of my list today as my inner child continues to heal. They are special and irreplaceable and will always be a part of my story.
#30: You’re never too old for a new hobby. Lately, I’ve been fascinated with the art of cake decorating. I’ve spent more time than I probably should watching livestreams of cake decorators working their magic and creating incredible designs of all kinds. From a character-filled adventurous playground to yes, the male genitalia, you really can make a cake look like just about anything. Some of the decorators are professionally trained, but many are self-taught. I’ve always loved to bake, and now I’m learning how to decorate cakes of my own. It’s been a fun and relaxing experience that proves you don’t have to be a teen or young adult to learn new skills.
#31: The cycle of life doesn’t wait. Since losing my mom just two years ago, I’ve also lost five uncles and an aunt who were mostly in their 70s and 80s. Almost an entire generation in my family is now gone, and it’s hard to comprehend. Reaching 40 means the adults that were around when I was a kid are the elderly ones now, and the cycle of life is happening. Although our young selves know this will happen in the future, it seems so far away until it actually starts happening. It not only brings on sadness and grief, but it also reminds us of our own mortality. It’s okay to feel scared and lost during these difficult moments. It’s normal. Therapy and heartfelt conversations with those I love have helped me get through each day of this new life. Having gratitude for the memories my late loved ones left behind has also helped.
#32: Not everyone wants your help. When I embarked on my self-healing journey a decade ago, I was excited and in awe of the things I learned about myself. Knowing why you are the way you are is an incredible thing, and it makes you feel like you have some secret answer for all those in daily emotional pain. The same emotional pain you were in when the world felt like a confusing place that was against you. It’s only natural to want to share that secret with those you care about, but I learned the hard way that if someone doesn’t ask for your help, they most likely don’t want it. In fact, if you push hard enough, you may even trigger anger in the person. A person has to be ready for their own self-healing work. They absolutely won’t listen to anything you have to say until they are at that point. You can send all the therapy worksheets, self-help books, and self-empowerment videos you want, but if they aren’t ready, they won’t look at them. Give them the freedom to look for it in their own time. It’s their journey, not yours.
#33: I’d rather laugh than have no wrinkles. Looking like you’re 21 forever shouldn’t be one of life’s goals. One of life’s goals should be having many memorable moments that bring you to your knees and make you pee your pants because you’re laughing so hard at something someone you love said. Or smiling so big that your face and jaw hurt for hours after. There’s a reason they call wrinkles laugh lines. They signify those times of happiness in your life, and there’s no wrinkle-free face that’s more beautiful than that.
#34: Money isn’t always earned. This was a tough one to accept, but it’s reality. Yes, it’s true that sometimes the harder you work, the more you can gain financial success, but the opposite is also true. Some people are literally given money after being born into a wealthy family. They never have to work to live. And some people work hard labor all their lives and never make even close to what those people have. It’s unfair, and it sometimes makes me angry. It sometimes makes me think it’s not even worth it to try. But no amount of money is worth your happiness. We all hope we can make a living doing the things we love. Some will get the opportunity, and some won’t. It doesn’t matter how educated you are. Don’t let money get in the way of your passion. If you have to make money doing something else to live, make sure to still make time for doing what you love. It will bring your heart the kind of happiness that lasts.
#35: Integrity and true passion trump popularity. I’ve always known that just because something is popular, it doesn’t mean it’s better. In today’s social media world, just about anyone or anything can go viral and become popular for a myriad of reasons, good and bad. Try to be a person filled with integrity and speak from your heart. Do what you’re passionate about, and if that brings popularity, great; if not, it doesn’t take away its value.
#36: Pets are fur babies. As a 40 year old with no children of my own, my guinea pigs have become my babies. Although they’re small animals with a significantly shorter lifespan than a healthy human baby, I’ve loved them more than anything I’ve loved in my life. Their mere furry presence and bundles of love kept me going in some of my life’s darkest moments, and I’ll forever be grateful for the time I had with them. They’re proof that unconditional love can exist and how a living soul, no matter how tiny, can make the biggest difference. I think of them every day.
#37: Life shouldn’t have a checklist. Society likes to make us think we need to have and do certain things by the time we’re 40. They include getting married, having children, having a lasting career, and having a home. But everyone’s journey is their own, and not everyone wants or has the opportunity to have some of these things. A person can be fulfilled and valued in various areas of life. It’s important to have less judgment and more compassion in a world full of people just trying to get by.
#38: Don’t chase or beg people. If a person doesn’t want to be in your life, let them go. If you find yourself having to constantly work to get their attention, it’s time to take a step back and think about what you want more: someone you have to prove your worth to or someone who already knows and appreciates your worth. Communicate your needs openly and always admit your wrongdoings, if that’s the case, but don’t ever beg someone to be a part of your journey. You deserve people who will see you as a blessing, not a chore. Trust their absence is making space for those with values more aligned with yours.
#39: Living without parents brings a vulnerability like nothing else. It puts you in the driver’s seat of your own life with no safety net. When I lost my mom and suddenly had no living parents at the age of 37, I felt lost. To be honest, I still sometimes do. I compared what I was feeling to standing at the edge of a cliff with no one to catch me if I slipped and fell. There is something you can never get back when the two people who brought you into this world are no longer in it. A part of me is gone, but a part of them remains. I’m learning to trust myself more and still hear their voices in my head when I need them most. Life will never be the same, but I know they’d want me to fearlessly make the most of my time here. I’m getting there.
#40: A loud voice isn’t always the most powerful one. As someone known as “the silent one” for all of my childhood, I’ve learned that making a statement that matters doesn’t mean you have to speak loudly or shout. I’ve witnessed a lot of shouting matches in my life, and none of them brought anything useful when trying to solve a conflict. Yes, most of us are guilty of shouting at some point in our lives, but staying calm and saying what we want to say with confidence and clarity is the key to being heard.