Hey everyone. I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated my website and podcast. I wanted to share what’s been going on before I return with some new and exciting things.
The past year and a half has been a tough one, to say the least. I didn’t intend to take a break from social media and my brand, but my mental state was not healthy, and I needed to take some time to figure out my feelings and get the help I needed. As those closest to me know, I have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off for as long as I can remember, and I feel it’s important to talk about.
I lost my mom, many other family members, and my beloved pet over the last two and a half years, and I have also gone through various personal challenges. A big (planned yet still stressful) move and job change added to the chaos. All of these occurrences led to significant changes in my life and shifted my state of mind, triggering my chronic issues with depression and anxiety.
Living with these mental issues tends to bring me down into a tunnel of doubt, sadness, fear, and more negative emotions, and at times, that tunnel seems impossible to get out of. Although I’m usually open to help, there were a few scary moments when I didn’t see the point of getting better. Luckily, the feeling didn’t stick around, and I found a small but mighty group of people who cared enough to be there for me in any way they could. Even in my worst moments, they loved me unconditionally and set the sparks that reignited the fire of hope and confidence within me.
Mental illness is a silent struggle. Although awareness is out there, people suffering don’t always indicate they’re suffering, and you can’t see what’s inside someone’s mind just by looking at them. Whenever I’m feeling depressed, I tend to hesitate to turn to anyone, and that’s been especially true since my mom passed away because I feel like a burden to even those I’m closest to, and that can be a very lonely road. When someone suffering does have the courage to come forward and ask for help, it’s important to pay attention.
I’ve had people in my life promise to be there for me when I needed them most but then fail to show up. Others let months go by without saying a word, never checking in if I didn’t check in first. When I wasn’t in a clear state of mind, both of these groups of people triggered more fear and disappointment in me. But I also had the people in my life who did show up and check on me. I’ve learned that they are the irreplaceable ones. They’re the ones who reminded me of the power I had in me to turn my thoughts around. I will forever be grateful for these people. They know who they are.
Not everyone struggling has someone who’s there for them, and I honestly don’t know what I would have done if no one was there for me. I was still having a difficult time with those reliable people in my life, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been if I was completely alone and had no one to contact. No one should feel like they can’t turn to someone. If they do feel that way but it’s not true, it’s sometimes important for their loved ones to seek them out first. I’ve had people tell me, “Well, you never reach out. How am I supposed to know you are emotionally troubled?” I never realized just how many people out there think that a person struggling will always come forward. The result of this thinking process tends to lead to emotionally troubled people getting blamed instead of comforted, even if that blame is unintentional.
Sometimes the indications that help is needed are subtle. Sometimes the indication is silence. Living alone has made it easier for me to feel secluded. It has also made it easier to shy away from turning to people in my darkest moments. Depression and anxiety can exist within a person whether they live alone or not, but I found it harder to feel like it would get better when the only person I looked at every day was myself in the mirror. At one point, I found comfort in going outside and walking among strangers. It was better than being alone.
My latest bout of depression was mostly triggered by the grief of losing my loved ones. Grief is normal, and everyone grieves differently, but since I have had chronic depression and anxiety throughout my life, my grief became that final weight that weighed me down to the lowest of places, and I was sure I couldn’t escape. But there’s something about getting to that low point: you can either stay there or try to climb up and out of it. Sometimes, getting out of it requires help, and it’s important to be mindful of that.
I understand it’s not always easy to recognize mental health issues, but if a person you know seems to be pulling away or going MIA for no apparent reason, I would encourage you to not just assume they are being rude or don’t care. They may be silently struggling with their mind and waiting for someone to reach out to them. Things aren’t always what they seem, and it’s important to remember that we’re all just humans trying to make our way through life.
I plan on talking more in-depth about this subject in the near future, but for now, I just wanted to give you guys a little update on my life and the reason for the long silence. I also want to thank those who checked in over the last year. My life is incredibly different than it used to be, but I’ve learned quite a bit and am still learning every day on this new journey. I look forward to sharing what I’ve been working on as I make my way back online and on social media, and I hope the things I release help at least one person.
If you happen to be struggling right now, please remember you’re not alone. Whether you’re a loved one, an acquaintance, or a stranger, please contact me for help if you need it. I am always here for you because we’re in this together. There’s no judgment or annoyance. Just love. And my hand reaching out for yours.