Father’s Day, a day that was started to celebrate the fathers and father figures of the world, hasn’t been fun for me for most of my life, but it was at one point. As many people know, my dad unexpectedly passed away of a heart attack in the summer of 1995, almost two months before my 11th birthday. A week before his passing, I remember sitting in the passenger seat of his car while he sat in the driver’s seat in the parking lot of a store we would frequent together. We had just left the store and I was immersed in the candy he bought me when he started talking about the upcoming weeks. June was his month and he was super excited about it. Not only was it Father’s Day the next week on the 18th, it was also his birthday on the 27th. He was going to turn 55. He gushed over the fact that he was lucky because since Father’s Day and his birthday were only a week apart, he would get double the presents. I sat there eating my candy and watching his face light up as he talked about what he would do if he received money from family for the big days. He promised me that if he got a good amount, he would take me out to eat. I happily accepted his promise and we went on our way.
All of this was still in the back of my mind a week later when a doctor uttered the words, “I’m sorry, he died”, to my family and me in the tiny waiting room of the local hospital. It was Friday, June 16, two days before he was expecting to celebrate the special day for fathers around the world, and 11 days before he was expecting to celebrate his very own special day. Instead of watching my dad, who I lovingly called “Daddy” at the time, open up gifts on Father’s Day, my siblings and I were shopping in a department store for a suit he could wear at his funeral. My dad didn’t wear suits or ties. He was a plaid shirt and jeans guy, but we wanted to dress him in the best attire for his special day, which turned out to be not Father’s Day or his birthday, but the day everyone could say their goodbyes to the body they knew. I made the choice to not go to my dad’s funeral. I wasn’t sure why at the time but now I realize it was because the daddy that would be there, the lifeless, still and exposed daddy, wasn’t the daddy I knew and I didn’t want that version of him to be the last one I saw. The daddy I knew, the real daddy, was the one who was full of life, talking, smiling and teasing. The one who sat in that car with me a week prior, who, now, only existed in my memory. So when I chose to say my own goodbye, I wanted it to be to the man I saw in my mind, the one with an enthusiastic smile and a huge working heart.
As anyone who has lost a loved one, especially a parent, knows, it’s hard not to think of them when special days like Father’s Day and their birthday comes around. Some years are more somber than others for me but what’s interesting about the date of my dad’s passing is that it always lands right around Father’s Day, which is celebrated on the third Sunday in June, and sometimes, it even lands right on it…like this year.
When I found out this was one of the years Father’s Day lands on that dreadful day (this is the fourth time it’s happened since my dad’s death), I cringed a bit at first. In past years, I either chose to pretend like the day didn’t exist or I would take a few moments to feel sorry for myself, using self-absorption as a way to deal with the fact that I couldn’t control not growing up with a dad. This year, I’ve vowed to see things differently. June 16, 2019 will mark the 24th year since the last day I saw my dad alive, and now that time has passed and I’ve learned more about life, I’m choosing to look at things in a more positive light. Although the sadness of what is no longer and what could have been will always be there, the time and experience I’ve gained has allowed me to grow a space within to allow another emotion to enter: joy.
I’ve now spent more time without my dad than with him, but the 10 years I did get to spend with him were some of the most fulfilled years of my life and there’s not one day that goes by that I don’t remember him in some way. Whether it be something he said, his silly antics, his golf games in the yard, his late-night cooking, his bedtime stories, or his morning french toast, there’s always something that comes up in my mind and takes me right back to that moment. There are also times when I wonder what he would have thought of something or what he would be like with certain things in my life now if he were still alive. But there are some things I don’t need to wonder about because I already know. I know he would have thought my move to L.A. was wild, and I know he would have absolutely loved my guinea pigs, Bailey and Brett.
We’re not all given the lives we hope for or expect. Sometimes things end up “better” or “worse” than we could have ever imagined, but I’m trying to be the person who doesn’t see the “good” and the “bad” but rather the circumstance that reminds us we only have so much control over this wondrous world and allows us to go forth in invaluable lessons and gratitude. We all have our blessings and sometimes they don’t look like sunshine and rainbows.
My dad had his heart attack in the same parking lot of the store we were in a week prior, where he talked about his plans for the gifts he was excited to receive in the following week. He would go to that store mostly every day after he came home from work a few hours after I got out of school. I would always go with him. That particular Friday, however, I found some old books in our basement that I was enthralled with just before he was on his way out the door. I told him to go without me and bring me back some of my favorite candy. He agreed and walked out the door. I never saw him again.
The last memory I have of my dad is him leaving to go do something he enjoyed doing, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. I don’t like to think about what would have happened if I did decide to go with him to the store that day or the memory I would have had. What’s ironic about the week before my dad passed is that although he was happily thinking about the gifts he was going to receive from his children, he ended up leaving this world after giving us so many gifts that we have kept in our hearts every day since then. My dad taught me about unconditional love and even though it was unintentional, he also taught me about loss. He has shown me the strength I never knew I had in the face of adversity and has helped me learn how to live in the moment without being so focused on tomorrow. It’s great to have goals and things to look forward to, but what’s even better is knowing that every laugh, every hug, every conversation with someone you deeply care about is the ultimate gift, and that gift will affect your mind and your heart whether you realize it then or not. And no one can ever take that away.
As the father of six, this Father’s Day is definitely my dad’s special day, but it’s also his special day because it marks the day he left a world in which he made a beautiful impact. He may not be known by hundreds or thousands of people remaining, but he’s known by Debbie, Dawn, Eddie, B.J., Tommy and me. And he lives inside each of our hearts for always. So I choose to celebrate with joy, and remember the blessing that was my dad, a remarkable man who was once on this Earth for 54 years, 11 months, and 20 days.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad, and to all the dads either on Earth or in our hearts.
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – A.A. Milne